Kurbaan...It's All About Being Too Much of a Pansy to Say the Right Thing With Your Film

Karan Johar and I are so in a fight!! Too bad he doesn't have a clue who I am because I have a few things to get off my chest about this “film”.

Many of you may argue that this is not Karan's fault because the film was written and directed by Rensil D'Silva, Karan only produced it via Dharma Productions. I say that's crap! (witness the self-control I'm using in avoiding profanity.) This movie has Karan's dirty little fingerprints all over it! I know when I've been Joharred and believe me I have been, and how! But don't take my word for it. There are plenty of articles out there discussing how this originated as Karan's story before Rensil took over. I have my issues with Mr. D'Silva as well which I will get to. For now let me just say that these two making a movie together is as good an idea as say casting Uday Chopra in Jodhaa Akbar instead of Hrithik Roshan...yeah, ponder that one for awhile.

Kurbaan is supposed to be primarily a love story set against a backdrop of “global terrorism”. Charming concept. According to Karan himself,

“Of course the film is conveying an important point of view with an eye on global terrorism. However, at the heart of it all, it's a love story and that itself is its biggest strength too. This is what constitutes for an emotional narrative against the backdrop of terrorism. Of course emotional strength is the film's mainstay but I can confidently state that Kurbaan does scratch the surface more than any other film based on a similar subject. Still, we are not making a political or a social commentary here.”

Can someone explain to me how one makes a film with global terrorism as a “backdrop” without making a political or social commentary? No wait, never mind, I saw Kurbaan. You know what it's called? Irresponsible film making and the worst kind of fence sitting.

Setting the ridiculousness of the film's premise and execution aside for a moment, I want to talk about how Karan and D'Silva portray terrorists and terrorism in their films, the damage done by refusing to take a strong stance and what seems to be Karan's attitude towards Americans in general. When I started watching Kurbaan, I knew it wasn't directed by Karan but I didn't know who the director was or who wrote the script. It didn't take long to figure out. After the terrorists got two impassioned speeches (Riyaaz's argument in Ehsaan's class and Aapa's explanation to Avantika) in which to make their case that even had me thinking “Gee, maybe they have a point” and, to a lesser extent Riyaaz's conversation with his father upon his return from covering the war in Iraq, I got a feeling of deja vu. I thought, “Man, this feels a lot like Rang De Basanti.” Imagine my lack of surprise when I googled the movie afterward and found Rensil D'Silva to be the man behind both films.

I have spoken at length in my Rang De Basanti review about the misplaced and inappropriate romanticism with which D'Silva portrayed characters who were, for all of their school boy charm, still just murderers, terrorists. I took it easy on him there because he was dealing with freedom fighters from another era as well as present day but now I think I was wrong in doing so. I was wrong because he does the same thing in Kurbaan with people who murder their wives and keep the body in the basement until it stinks, imprison their wives to keep them quiet, blow up a plane killing over 200 members of a UN delegation, plan to blow up seven subway stations in New York and all the while justify it by claiming it is but a small repayment to the US for the number of people killed in bombings of Afghanistan and Pakistan.

The justification given for terrorist activities (which 9/11 is confusingly lumped in with) in both big scenes is the personal impact of US bombings of Afghanistan and Pakistan on the characters in the film. When did we bomb Afghanistan and Pakistan before 9/11? The message and motivations are so muddled in this film that at the end, even though the filmmakers proclaim to make no political commentary, they end up making the terrorists look more sympathetic than anyone else in the film. Every reason the terrorists give for their actions either goes unanswered or the response is shot down by further justification until no one opposes the terrorist viewpoint anymore apparently because they have run out of arguments. The scene in Ehsaan's classroom is just painful to watch. So, are we to assume then that the the big counter argument that terrorism is bad is the consequences of the terrorist's actions, death to all? If that's the case, the argument is made pointless by killing so many innocents too. If you're going to be so explicit with your terrorists' arguments for why they do what they do then you have to do the same with condemnation of those acts. Otherwise, you end up with Kurbaan and Rang De Basanti, two films that make terrorism look romantic and patriotic.

But what did I expect from Karan, a man so politically correct and terrified of offending anyone that he issued a written apology to the Shiv Sena goons and posted apologies at the multi-plexes for using the historical name Bombay in Wake Up Sid. Hey, Karan, here's my advice to you, strap on a pair of balls and learn how to use them! And while you're at it, stop looking down your nose at Americans at the same time you use our cities and technology to make your movies. This movie was originally supposed to take place in London but the English denied them filming permission due to sensitivity over recent London tube bombings. I wonder if the story would have been quite so insulting had it been set in England as opposed to the U.S. I have an ugly hunch, it would not have.

It is sadly becoming clear to me, Karan, that you think that all or at least the vast majority of Americans are ignorant, bigoted yokels. The irony here is that you believe you're so much smarter than we are and yet your movies keep proving the opposite. Have you gotten a clue yet as to how offensive your black stereotypes in My Name is Khan are? And am I right that you consistently pick the worst American actors you can find for your films on purpose, giving your audience or your colleagues something to feel superior about? Or is this how you actually see us? Then again, your Indian heroes in this film do some of the dumbest things I have ever seen so maybe you just think you're smarter than everyone. In any case, the irresponsibility, naivete and downright stupidity you have consistently incorporated in your movies of late show you to be the ignorant one and the thing I hate most in this world, a self-oblivious hypocrite.

Examples of film maker's stupidity...I give you, the ridiculousness of Kurbaan:

The background score over the opening credits- When will Hindi films about serious subjects quit using Mission Impossible/Bourne Identity type jaunty tunes to open with? It's inappropriate and sets the wrong mood from the beginning. Terrorism is not a fun adventure romp. Cut it out.

Note to Saif- when you have the surgeon pull your face back that far to get rid of wrinkles, you need to remind him to move your hairline back down. Aiee! That's enough forehead for 3 heroes.

Note to Kareena- Get a new make-up artist. Half of your eyelid should not be covered with black eyeliner no matter how exotic you want to look. Cleopatra would look askance at you. Also, the snot at the end...I guess that's what you think qualifies for great acting and gritty realism? Was gross. I'd rather watch Poo on repeat than see that again.

Saif and Kareena's chemistry was gross. Felt like I was watching Saif and Kareena foreplay as opposed to characters falling in love. Major backfire!

What is with the fade to black and long pause as scene transitions? Horribly amateurish.

Ehsaan's job interview- Horrible American actor is no surprise but the dialog!!! Why don't you just have him come right out and say that Americans are closed-minded bigots who will attack anyone they perceive to be Muslim without a second thought. Oh, I know why. You think you're cleverly veiling your opinion of us. You undercut everything in the film about the dangers of fundamentalism when you make the US out to be full of idiots so xenophobic that the argument could be made that we deserve what we get.

Let's talk about the way Avantika treats Salma's cry for help. She doesn't call Salma's friend immediately as requested, let alone the police and when she does tell Rihana, no one takes it seriously. “Oh, it's probably just a typical case of domestic violence.” (And in what world is THAT an acceptable response anyway?) “Yeah, I'm just over-reacting, teehee.” I've never seen anything so idiotic in my life. Oh wait, yes I have...the way Avantika creeps around the wife beater's house, goes into the cellar, overhears a terrorist cell plotting, finds Salma's dead body, cries out alerting terrorist cell to her presence, runs to home across the street, locks door and stands there staring at it while terrorists break into home. Now, she's stupid enough to deserve what she gets.

If you want to take a moment in your film to make a point about racial profiling in airports, a scene that takes place only days after a plane bombing that kills 200+ members of UN delegation is not going to make the strongest argument. Someone may argue that Riyaaz reacted the way he did in this scene as a way to ingratiate himself to Ehsaan. If that's the case then the direction for the scene is horrible because there is nothing in the performance to suggest that. He doesn't do this until he sits down after the bag search. I'm just guessing because I can't believe any director could be that ham-fisted but I should have suspended this disbelief long ago I suppose.

Karan, I hope if you ever happen upon a terrorist cell's secret plot to blow up a plane and pull off a 9/11-scale subway bombing, that you don't attempt to bust the cell yourself like Riyaaz does. One, because dumb as he is, Riyazz is smarter than you and two, it's the dumbest freaking thing I may have ever scene on CELLULOID.

Let me tell you something so you can pass it on to Riyazz and Avantika, 911 ain't just a new way of marking time in the western world. It's the number you call if you know a plane is about to explode or you discover a terrorist cell operating in the suburbs or terrorists and wife murderers have just chased you into your home.

Where can I buy that nifty first aid kit that Ehsaan and Avantika have in their bathroom cabinet that comes complete with a surgical needle? I'm going to need one of those after I gouge my eyes out watching your next movie.

Am I still supposed to sympathize with your hero after he pulls the trigger on that gun just because the terrorists didn't put bullets in it and the innocent fast food clerk doesn't get his brains blown out for no reason? Seriously?

The car chase- one man versus about 10 policemen. He's pinned down in his bullet-ridden SUV and yet he manages to take them all out and send the SUV up in flames with one shot despite the fact that it had been hit with 20-30 bullets already with no problem. Ok, sure.

Bodies have to be burnt to dust before dental record identification would be ruled out and they certainly wouldn't do so at the crime scene. But maybe I'm just being nit-picky now.

There's more. I know there is but my rage has been vented and I can't vent no more. Let me close with this quote from Karan,

“No, I don't see foresee any controversies around the film since it is only showing things as they are. It has been made with a huge level of sensitivity and I am sure it won't be offending anyone's sensibilities. “

First, you can't make a film about global terrorism without controversy and offending sensibilities. Whose sensibilities are you protecting anyway? There are terrorists and then there is everyone else. So, you're protecting terrorist sensibilities? Great logic. Second, what you have done is offend your audience's sensibilities and intelligence. Cut it out before you have no more audience...oh wait, you didn't have much for this film did you? Learn your lesson please. If you are too frightened or ignorant of an issue to deal with it assertively and clearly, then leave it to someone else. Your love stories are beautiful and of those, I am the biggest fan. So, maybe you should stick to those. And Rensil D'Silva should never ever make a movie about terrorists or freedom fighters or anyone remotely related to any struggle against anything ever again.

My Name is Khan and my 2nd half will frustrate and disappoint you

I have already read quite a few reviews and many people have already hit on the most important points in more cogent ways than I can so this will most likely devolve into more of a rant which is what I'm best at anyway. You've been warned...

As someone who watches a fair number of Bollywood movies, though I am still relatively new to Hindi cinema, I am much more likely to suspend disbelief than the mainstream American movie watching public. That being said, even I was physically cringing about 5 minutes into the second half of this movie.

Wilhemina, GA, if you exist, I never want to visit because you now represent a black hole of disappointment to me. From the first moment that funny hair Joel's voice assaults you, I was squirming in my seat. This boy? girl? (still not sure about that) was acting like he? was on stage in a warehouse and trying to get across to one audience member at the opposite end of the building. Over-acting doesn't begin to describe it. The music that played when the door opened to Mama Jenny's...is it a home or a Juke Joint out of The Color Purple? It just gets worse from there.

Hey KJo, if you can do English subtitles when the characters are speaking Hindi, why not have Rizwan (who speaks very good English) speak English in the church when he is having the big emotional scene talking about Sam and use Hindi subtitles on the screen? The way it is now, I was wondering where all the residents of Wihemina learned Hindi since they all seemed to understand what he said. Maybe Rosetta Stone has a radio program that they listen to on the wireless?

The interrogator?! Really Karan? He's the best American actor you could find? I happen to know that there are probably hundreds of thousands of members of the Screen Actors Guild who would have sold their grandmother for a paying role in a movie. I'll bet you a million dollars that 90% of them could have acted that part better than the hack you hired. But, you do this all of the time so why should I be so surprised. Did an American pick on you when you were a kid or something because you seem to delight in choosing the worst actors you can find to play the American roles in your movies.

"Bloody Paki????" The only time I have ever heard that is in Bend it Like Beckham which, guess what? Takes place in England where people actually say "bloody" and know that Paki is a derogatory term. You're right about one thing, most Americans know very little about the intricacies of relations between different factions in the Muslim world and relations between Hindus and Muslims, etc. thus they also have no idea what a "Paki" is or that that is insulting or that some people believe that there is a difference beween Pakistanis and Indians other than a national border. Cut it out KJo! You're smarter than that.

Also, a lesson for you, though it should be common sense, if you can get into a hurricane/flood ravaged area, you can get out of it and that's what we do. We evacuate people when we're able too. We also still have a National Guard present for national disasters even when we're fighting wars in multiple countries. Just last week they evacuated people from highways in the East who were stuck in their cars during the blizzard. Luckily those people didn't have to resort to eating each other and trying to build fires in their glove boxes which is presumably what would happen in your world rather than removing themselves from the situation.

Don't even get me started with the woman at the African Relief benefit. I would have maybe let it slide if she had told him the event was for specific church groups only...still offensive but not as much as "for Christians only." If we made a film that had some similar sweeping generalizations about Hinduism or Islam, there would be rioting in the streets. For an educated man, this makes Karan look like an ignorant bigot which is ironic since I think that was the point he was trying to make about some Americans and some Christians.

I'm sure there is more I could bitch about if I thought about it some more, dead floating bodies come to mind, but why nitpick when there are so many immense flaws to discuss? Instead, let me now talk about what I loved about the movie, because I did love the first half and, of course, SRK!! Shah Rukh's performance was an absolute delight to watch.

Now, I could watch Shah Rukh sit quietly and read a book to himself for 3 hours and be entertained but he really was even more wonderful than usual in this role. You could see that he put a lot of study into what he was portraying and that he was trying very hard to be respectful in his performance. He succeeded in spades in my opinion. I don't believe any other actor could actually make you fall in love in a romantic sense with this character. I wondered going into it if they would deal with the physical aspect of marriage or just ignore it. I have to give them props for dealing with it in a funny, sensitive, wholly appropriate and charming way. I also have to say that even as a man with Asperger's, Shah Rukh is so handsome and charming that he makes my toes curl.

The first half of the movie that concentrates on the love story between Rizwan and Mandira is beautiful and I had a smile on my face the whole time. I was totally taken in by all of it. The scene where he shows her the view of SF at sunrise and it finally all comes together for Mandira was magical. I read one review, written by a man, and he said it was unbelievable that a woman would want to marry Rizwan and take on another child. Not even addressing how offensive that is since Rizwan was clearly very capable of taking care of himself and Sam and Mandira, the reviewer must have also missed the part about Mandira's first husband being a slimy beast, idiot, bastard. When your first marriage is arranged and he emotionally abuses you for three years, then abandons you for another woman with an infant in a foreign country with no means of support and never even sees his own child and then you meet this pure hearted man who clearly loves you though he may not be able to say it, puts all of his being into caring for you and your son and and wants nothing more than to be with you and your son, why wouldn't you fall in love with him? I don't have a slimy beast of an ex-husband and I fell in love with Rizwan.

Kajol is my favorite Hindi film actress. From the first dance in the procession in K3G, I have been in awe of her vibrancy and the energy of her screen presence. I also happen to like that off-screen she doesn't give a crap what people think of her. I thought she was lovely as Mandira and I can't imagine another actress who could be Mandira more convincingly. That being said, she has a few moments where her talking too fast got on my nerves and was distracting from the scene and she had a couple of times where the lines just came out really badly. Even so, the scene where she prepares Sam's body was beautifully done and very powerful. I read a review by someone who said she was too filmi in that scene but you really can't be too filmi in a scene that deals with a mother losing her child. I've seen someone very close to me go through it and there is just no way you can overplay that kind of anguish. She was spot on.

There were some beautiful scenes in the movie. I particularly loved the scene of Rizwan sitting under an enormous Joshua Tree at sunset writing in his journal. These are the things that Karan excels at and his shots of San Francisco were likewise lush and beautiful. Unfortunately, someone also needs to tell him that there are no Joshua Trees in Kentucky and Death Valley can only consistently be used as a backdrop for Tatooine, not the entire United States.

So, overall, a very flawed movie that frustrates me to no end because the ingredients were there for a huge crossover success but the second half was just too ridiculous for words. Sadly, some important messages that maybe a lot of Americans should hear will get lost in the noise of preposterousness. I was actually very affected by the scene in the mosque. I thought it was well done without being too heavy handed but the mainstream American audience will miss out on it because no one involved in the making of MNIK could be bothered to fully commit and have some honest Americans on staff to tell them to cut out the bullshit. If I sound angry it's because I am a bit. I respect and love SRK, Kajol, Hindi cinema and, yes, even Karan, so much that I want them to be successful with non-Indian Americans too. I want the Western world to appreciate them as much as I do and this film could have done it if the second half had been as well done as the first. Instead, it went off the rails and turned into melodramatic mishmash of offensive stereotypes, filmi overindulgence and slap dash filmcraft. Shah Rukh deserved a perfect film for his perfect performance and he didn't get it.